Saturday, July 10, 2010

2 short months ago...

We're coming up on our 2 month anniversary of our ultrasound that has lead us down this path. It was early in the morning when we left the boys with Grandma Jo Jo and headed to the hospital. I had that nervous excitement because we had decided for the first time to find out the sex of the baby. I vividly remember thinking on the way there that I was feeling like that over finding out the sex since everything else was going to be okay. I'm not sure if it was a question in my mind, but probably something most parents feel at 26 weeks of an uneventful pregnancy. Well, time went on and the tech spent A LOT of time on the heart. More than I remembered with Evan and Nolan. I mentioned this to her, asking if it was harder to look at the heart. She replied "yes" but still nothing made me worry until she left the room for 30 minutes and came back in with the radiologist. I told them right away that I was nervous about what was going on. The radiologist calmly told us that they thought something was "different" with our baby's heart. I broke down right away. The heart? That could not be good. What a shock! I pictured the worst, that we would lose our boy. Here Joe and I were just talking about 3 boys! Fishing trips, cars, trucks, BROTHERS! We would have Brother Bear live! Well, another week passed and we were off to see the pediatric cardiologist at United. That was a whole new bunch of shocks. When I explained what we knew about the heart, the cardiologist replied "oh, this is much more complicated". Then I asked if we were talking life and death? "I don't know yet." I could not believe it. How could that be? Well, after some more time, she told us what she saw. Baby was almost 28 weeks, so she said she wanted to see us after 31 weeks, as things are more stable by then. I was very relieved to hear that the heart defect was correctable. Grandma Linda was there because Joe was on a work trip to CA. It's amazing what you don't hear in these types of circumstances. I had no clue what the heart defect was. All I knew when I walked out that day was that the baby had a heart defect and probably Ds. I was crushed. Mom could help me recall most of that visit, even if I didn't want to. I spent the next week looking at Evan and Nolan and thinking about how at one point I wondered if this boy would look more like Ev or Nol. Now I didn't think he'd look anything like any of us. I would sneak peeks at them in the back seat on the way to daycare and be crushed about this life that was going to end for us. Would this boy even know me as "Mom"? For sure there were not going to be fishing trips. Joe and I will be changing diapers at 10. We'll be wiping up faces for years to come. What would he be without Ds? I felt as though something was stolen from him; from us. I did not view myself as a pregnant woman. I didn't think I had anything to plan for. I wished I would have just miscarried. I wished... Those are thoughts of the past, 2 short months ago. Thankfully I have had some wonderful people to give me new thoughts and dreams. Joe told me he was excited. I needed to hear that. I know now that none of those things are reality. Right now many things are possible and I have many hopes. I kicked it into gear and have been taking extra care of this little guy. We have been eating some new supplements and more fruit and veggies (I have not skipped all desserts though, he likes those too!). I decided to keep running. The perinatologist said not to so I wouldn't go into pre-term labor. Well, I thought about this for about 3 days and realized that would have been the same with any pregnancy and I know from experience that this did not happen with Ev and Nol. I ran a 5K this morning, in less than 31 minutes! Well, I think he's happy and going to be as healthy as is God's will. God...I never asked Him to not give me/us a baby with Ds. I asked Him for peace and acceptance. He has not failed! Only one time was I angry at Him with this struggle. And that was in the time I wondered if Baby had Ds or not. That was the hardest time throughout all of this - not knowing. Now that I know and time as gone on, I am so excited!!! I am excited to have someone different around here to challenge us and give us new meaning to life! I will not play the "what if" game, bring it on!

4 comments:

  1. Love this post.... LOVE IT. Made Matt sit down and read it too. Love your honesty and transparency through the whole thing. And although nothing ever came of our "fear" with Levi, I remember having so many of the same thoughts and how scary that not knowing really is....

    ReplyDelete
  2. I often recall and rethink over and over the mistakes I've made with Allie, the things I've done that I am not proud to say I did as a parent and the things that happen to her I can't control. It scares me and I am still realizing I can't change the past or what has happened...I can't even control tomorrow. Every time I catch myself reliving the "hard moments" I talk to God and ask for his help because those burdens are in fact too heavy for me to relive and be rethinking all the time. You are very strong minded and I admire that. I know you are strong minded because honestly running a 5K in 31 minutes, pregnant, is not a very common occurrance. I admire your attitude and your strong mind! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. So nice of you both. Life is full of challenges. I think I pick friends like you guys who are a lot like me you know! (Strong willed, Miss How-Many-Marathons-In-A-Year? And honest Susan!)

    ReplyDelete
  4. 5K, pregnant, in 31 minutes! :) Wow, that makes me feel like a slob! lol.
    Great post. Full of feeling.

    ReplyDelete