Thursday, July 22, 2010

Cold Feet

Anger proceeds me as I begin this blog but it's not because of what anyone has said or done. It is my own disappointment in my feelings about having a baby with Ds. I am beginning to get cold feet and I do not like it. Maybe, and hopefully, it is hormonal. Okay, really, it's more than that, it has to be. But, it might not be the reality I'm about to face with my family and friends. It might be this whole body of unknowns. I breath deeper now. Both of my boys are napping.

Nolan has this habit of creating a dirty, stinky diaper at nap time but I've caught on. He was fussing so I headed down with diaper and wipes in toll, ready for attack (it is too much work to walk back up the stairs when I am 30 lbs heavier than 7 months ago). We cleaned up and rocked. He laid so nice and was snoring in 3 minutes. Evan was already snoring. I was able to rock my sleeping 22 month old while watching my sleeping 4 year old. I started to smile, then started to think about Baby coming and the scary, unknown's crept in. Then I was sad. I was sad because I don't know that I WANT this. I don't know because "it" is not here because Baby is not here. I talked to God and found my way to the online group and wouldn't you know it, I ended up here: I am not alone and I know what to do when I am feeling hopeless in raising a child or adult with Ds. God knows the answers, I do not have to. I also do not have to do this alone because of all the friends and family who have graciously shown so much support. Thank you.


  1. Ilisa,
    I can't imagine what you are going through knowing that there is something wrong with your little guy, but I do know how much you love your boys. I can tell in the way you talk about them and the way that you interact with them. When you lay eyes on this new little boy for the first time I know that, that same love will overwhelm you and your fears will diminish. In your eyes, and those of the people that love you and him, he will be perfect. He may have problems but take heart because Jesus said in this world you will have troubles but He has overcome the world and with Him you and your new little boy WILL overcome.

  2. I wish I had read this before I saw you this morning!! It's just so hard to have all the "unknowns"-- like Amie said-- when baby arrives all these fears and unsure feelings will pass by and you'll KNOW you're going to parent him just like your other boys. We do the best with what we have been given, and God is equipping you to be the best mom to all 3 boys that you can be. Hang in there. I'm looking forward to meeting your new baby in the near future! :)

  3. You are going to be an amazing mother to ALL three of your boys! I have learned from my Aunt and Uncle on my Mom's side, Ed and Bridget, that you just do what you need to, to be a good parent, no matter who your child is. She would be an amazing person to talk to about this. I asked her how she does it and she just told me that you just DO. They are your kids, you love them, and you just do what's best for them. :) You will be a blessing to all three of your children, you are a strong woman! I am looking forward to your blogs now that he is here and you can snuggle him and kiss his face!