It would be false advertisement if I didn't admit that I was feeling a bit worn out today. I feel tired and took a bit of a time to cry tonight. It is hard on this mom to be trying to balance life on the homestead and life an hour away in the NICU.
Stressors filled my mind on the drive home today. I am now renting a hospital grade pump after a discussion with a lactation consultant. "How much will this cost?" "Will insurance cover it?" I'm not sure, you'll have to call your insurance company. "If not?" $59.00 a month. Okay, sure 59.00 a month is not much, but when the pay checks quit coming and numerous other bills start (or shall I say continue), $59.00 is something.
Now, take those types of concerns and add in Nolan's requests for MaMa, Mom, Mommy... He's been crying at bedtime, summoning me when I walk out of rooms, and the like. It's hard to prevent the tears as I write this. I know he is in good hands, but there is no denying its impact on him. Side Note: I tell myself it is temporary, there will be no lasting affects. It almost makes me laugh, too! It is probably quite silly to even stress over it.
Evan has been wild each night. He said to me tonight (during my earlier breakdown), "maybe you should take a break tomorrow". Wow is he right, I should, but I can't. So, we'll keep pushing through.
I took a bath a bit ago and read the second addition of Gifts (mentioned in the 2nd post). One of the stories really knocked me into place. A college aged woman with Ds was staying with another couple and would come home each night and say she had the best day of her life. After repeats of this claim, the hostess asked the woman if she truly felt that when one of the days was really not so well. She replied that indeed it was the best because she was living it. It was after I read that statement that I realized I do not need to worry about the bills that will come. I need to see today for what it is. Calvin is doing well and I was with my boys. Sure I have things to do but when Nolan was still crying for me, I decided to rock him to sleep, even though it took up a half hour of my time.
I found it quite ironic that once again I was watching Evan sleep (finally) and Nolan was asleep in my arms. My thoughts were different than the last time. Calvin is here and we have a lot to be thankful for. I will post an update tomorrow after I hear from the NICU and attending doctors.