Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Too much time thinking

I've been spending a lot of time thinking lately. Honestly, I think a lot about Ds and holes in one tiny heart. I probably spend too much time analyzing my thoughts and feelings about "the whole thing". I can't help it and I think it has a lot to do with the due date approaching. I'm excited but have moments of worry, bumming out, stressing... I've spent some time imagining what this situation would look like in my fantasies if we did not have the CAVC and Ds. I can't. I probably shouldn't either. But honestly, I think I'd like that better. I'm not saying I'd like HIM better, I'd like the situation better. It would be familiar and I'd feel like we could adjust and build our life at home. If I was having a repeat of the first 2 boys, I would not have to plan for as much time away, for as many people to insert themselves (Dr.s and nurses), to schedule follow up appointments or current Dr. appointments, and on and on. Right now I just want to scream (and pray) for Dr.s, nurses, and machines to go away so I can have my baby! Sure, there aren't machines hooked up to him right now, but there will be - I can see it! Even if it's just oxygen. Medications (we don't like to take anything unless absolutely necessary). Nurses in and out. Dr.s telling me what is wrong and what needs to be changed. Or, worse, what can't be changed. I want to nurse this baby and I don't want anyone making that difficult for me and him. Honestly, I want to be left alone with some of these things and that is where I want to just have him and bring him home - away from all that. Well, I guess that is where praying comes in. I will do that and I will do what I can to help him be healthy.

I had a Dr. appointment today. I've had one weekly since mid-May. Honestly, it's annoying and in my opinion, pointless (for us and this circumstance). I am subjected to what is called a biophysical exam and a non-stress test. There are 5 different things examined (practice breathing, lg motor/muscle movements, small motor/muscle movements, amniotic fluid, and then increased heart rates during the non-stress test). They are scored 2 points a piece, giving a total possible score of 10. By the way, this just gets me, Baby cannot score 1, just 0 or 2, so why have there be 2 points? Just give it 1!!!! Anyways, Baby Boy has scored very well and missed the practice breathing 2 times and also the non-stress test (nst) portion (increased heart rate) 1 time. He happened to miss the nst and breathing the same day - 2 weeks ago. So, the Dr. wanted me to go in again the next day. Without many details of how I felt, I declined. Mostly it gets me angry because it is not a good test in my opinion. How could it be when he scored a 10 today??? Where is the reliability? Oh wait, there isn't any. Maybe I'm just frustrated because I want to just be pregnant and enjoy this time. I'm sorry to say, but the medical field has not allowed for much of that. Yes, I am grateful for what they do provide, it's just not much on the emotional side of things. The Dr. saw me for 5 minutes (as this is about all the time they spend with me) today during which he told me what Ds is. He was/is a very nice man, but does not understand what it's like to be in my position. I know what Ds is and I already feel like junk for providing the extra chromosome (in so many words, he said "you" had the extra chromosome). Why continue to explain this to me? Do I look or act like I don't understand any of this? I did not say more than "nice to meet you" and this is what came next. I thought more about it tonight and realize the main thing that is taken away during times like this is: I want to just have a baby. He is just a person, a baby, leave it alone now. The scab was in place and the Dr. messed with it.

1 comment:

  1. Frustrating! You are right, he is a person, a baby:)