I knew the nurse working, so I brought Cal in for his next feeding and we tried out the bottle. As I mentioned before, it did not all of a sudden work wonders. I was there for a couple of hours. The nurse, patient as can be, asked me "What are your goals?" I tried to answer. I was exhausted. I turned to her and asked "If you were me, what would your goals be?" I wanted out. I wanted someone else to take over and direct this show.
It was a hard week. I suffered many negative feelings. In hindsight, it was part of the grieving process, perhaps anger.
There were two, maybe three times when thoughts and pictures tried creeping in my mind; like flashes of lightening. The one I remember was down stairs in the boys' bedroom at bedtime. It had been a hard day. For a brief moment, I wondered what Calvin would be like without Ds. "Out!" I told those thoughts. I couldn't go there.
If you've ever suffered a loss, of someone you've loved, you know those flashes and their dangers. I felt I was suffering something fierce. I found myself wishing I wouldn't have had him. I didn't want to do this anymore.
I felt as though I was literally carrying around a ton of bricks; on my shoulders, in my brain, with my feelings. Those ton of bricks make it really difficult to move forward. How could a person possibly persist through life at a decent pace with weight like that? This is why I asked that nurse to take them from me.
Tonight I asked God to take them from me. No, I asked Him to throw them and shatter them. He did, tear by tear. As the tears streamed down my face, I felt lightness. I felt free. God answered my prayer.