Wednesday, September 15, 2010

It's what I'm made of

I did it, I cursed God. I am not proud of it. In fact, I prayed for forgiveness right away! I sometimes wonder how much He thinks I can handle. Of course I know the answer is not about my handling it, but handing it over to Him. This is a struggle for me though. I wonder, "How can he fold laundry, wash the dishes, rock the kids (more than one at a time), and so on, AND still provide me with a break??" But, here I am, the house is quiet, the laundry is folded, dishes washed, and I'm getting my break. It's nothing short of a blessing. I know this because it does not happen often. Not often enough.

I fell asleep while pumping last night. Joe and I sat down, with Calvin, to attempt to finish Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I said "attempt", did you catch that? I think we clocked in about 50 minutes and I could not do it any longer. This was the 3rd try. Sad isn't it? Well, I came upstairs to pump before bed (it was only 8:45, also sad), I blinked, and was suddenly very confused. I didn't know which way was up, let alone what in the world was going on. I thought it was the middle of the night, but wait, it was only 9:45! Yuck. The only good news was the baby was already fed, so I could get up, brush my teeth, and get to bed. The bad news was I still had to get up in the middle of the night!

This middle of the night stuff is one thing I loath about parenting. I just don't like it. I was super lazy with Nolan and nursed him in bed, where he stayed all night because I just couldn't get up. Of course it was better with Evan because I did things "by the book" with him. The thing about that is, Evan is pretty much a "by the book" kind of kid and Nolan, well, not so much. My 1:00 am feeding two nights ago included a visit from Nolan. He can get out of his crib. (I have lost nearly all control) He was up with me the whole time I pumped and fed Calvin cuz darn it, I did not want to spend more time going up and down stairs, listening to crying, and him waking his brother. I made the decision to let him be and brought him to bed with me when I was done. It took awhile for us to settle down and then, at 2:41 am, along comes Evan. Evan still wears diapers at night. He leaked and needed new PJ's. This was another time I could have cursed God. "Patience, patience". This is my newest prayer: "Please God, replace my anger with patience". Deep breaths help, too. Well, it was a long night with short sleep.

Parenting is a huge part of my life right now. I have been doing a lot of thinking about what else defines me. There are things. Running and exercise are big ones. Being a wife is another. These are two things I cannot give up on. I cannot set them aside and expect them to pop up healthy in 3, 5, 10 years from now. I must continue with both along with parenting. It is not easy. Here's an example. I run quite a bit. I try 4 times a week with at least one 4 or more miles. The others are only 2 right now. I got on the treadmill yesterday morning and Nolan was not having it. He wanted to be on it (I have a gate around it) and he cried just about the whole 20 minutes. I stopped roughly 6 times in there and finally thought "forget it". I could not make him happy unless I was done, so I was going to get it done with then! I refused to stop. I have to do things for myself. It was miserable. It is hard to listen to children cry. When I was done, guess what, he stopped crying! I made the right decision. I did an ab workout. Yes Lisa, Hit the Spot Abs, and Nolan was literally under my legs. "Fine, I can do this with him there". I decided that I will follow up with a post of pictures I can fine of myself or Joe running. I have some fun ones that I am proud of. They are not to brag. In fact, I think they'll just make you laugh. That's for next time. I'm going to talk more about the other things that make me who I am.

2 comments:

  1. a know Illisa, if there was one thing that I have learned being a parent is to take time for yourself!

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