I admit, this might be messy because of many reasons...mainly because I don't have a specific idea of what I'm about to write, which is something I usually do not have a problem with. When I went for my 'long' run on Sunday morning I ended up running an extra mile, totalling 5 miles, which felt like 2. It was one of those where I had gone up some of the hills and started thinking "I don't remember what that felt like. I didn't feel any pain." You know why? I was lost in thought. I love doing that! I looked at all the beautiful scenery and thought about the Twin Cities Marathoners and was soooo jealous of their beautiful weather to run 26.2 miles in! No wind, sun, cool temps, perfect! I was jealous because I wished I was with them, but really happy for them, too. I imagined the runners praying for great weather and their answer from God! How wonderful. Well, I was not there so I made the best of what I had and enjoyed it. I thought a lot about a meaningful topic to post about. I have not come up with any one thing yet but maybe I just need to lay it out as it is in my head. So, here it goes:
I'm not sure if I think this is all such a big deal anymore. Heart problems? Down syndrome? I don't really worry about that. Am I being ignorant? I hope not. Hopeful? I think so. Trusting in God? For sure. I do not want to lose Calvin to heart issues and I really don't think I will. I said 'think', not 'know'. If there is one thing I have learned in the last 4 years of my life, is that I do not know ANYTHING! With that comes my work in trust. First, I must trust Jesus as our Savior. From there, I can trust that if I put Him at the center of EVERYTHING, it will all work out just as He planned. I have been hurt and that makes it pretty scary to trust. I think back to college and rats. If a rat can be trained to get its own food, then I can be trained to be fearful of trust. We all can and probably have. Anyways, I am wondering "where am I going with this?" I don't even know. See, this is what has been hard about posting this week.
Please, if you would like, read MckMama's post. It is the second time today I have felt like crying and could barely choke down my lunch. The first time was this morning when I couldn't find Nolan. Evan woke me up at 12:45am and asked for water. I decided to pump and feed Calvin since I was up. I was 10 minutes into pumping and Nolan tromped up the stairs. He sat in my lap and I laid him on the couch next to me. He fell asleep. I fed Calvin in his room and checked on Nolan before going back to bed. Nolan was asleep, or so I thought (again, I didn't know). Joe left for work with Evan to drop him off at Grandma Linda's for school. I had not heard anything so I slept another 15 minutes and decided to check on Nolan. I went to the living room. No Nolan. No "dee dee" (his blanket). So, I thought maybe Joe brought him back to his crib at some point. Nope, no Nolan. Heart pounding. "Nolan?" I yelled a few times. Check the garage, which I was fearful the common door had been left unlatched and he escaped. No response and the house was quiet. I called Joe and he said "Oh God, Ilisa, I did not see him this morning." I wanted to cry and throw up at the same time. I was walking into Calvin's room at that moment and there he was! Asleep on the floor. Praise God! Relief! We have not quite figured it out because Joe fed Calvin this morning. I do not understand how Joe missed him there, either by foot or eyesight!
It is true, we do not realize what we have until it is gone. I realized that over and over during the last trimester of my pregnancy with Calvin. However, what I thought on my beautiful Sunday morning, as I studied the fall colors amongst the hills, was that you may not realize the depths God has shown me, because of Calvin.