Wednesday, October 27, 2010

It is tough being a woman, right Esther?

When I was home on maternity leave with Nolan, I embarked on 2 great bible studies by Beth Moore. Esther; It's Tough Being a Woman was my favorite. The other was Beloved Disciple (John). Esther... was the easiest to relate to and read. During that study, one of the most profound messages for me was is regards to fear. Esther overcame many fears in her life (READ THIS BOOK! It is easier than you might think!).

She a)had a choice: "She [Esther] had to overcome herself in order to do what God had created her and positioned her to do" b)faced the fear and c)took the courage. The most repeated message throughout the bible is do not be afraid, fear not. If we truly believe in God and His Son Jesus, we have no reason to fear. However, at times I do. The greatest debilitation in my life is fear. This fear can consume me and lead me to do things I do not want to do. It can stop me from pursuing something that means a great deal to me. It can cause doubt, disbelief, anger, pain, etc.

This all came flooding back to me as I decided to try nursing Calvin again today. I have not tried in a month. And, I must say, if you never nursed, did not like nursing, or did not nurse for the long haul (which would mean you never nursed, could not nurse, or did not like it), I completely understand that this whole desire may be extremely difficult to understand and may bore you to death! However, I nursed Evan and Nolan for a bit over a year and I was so sad to quit I would actually cry. Sooooo, I have spent a great deal of time in sorrow over not nursing Calvin.

Anyways, today was a turn around not only for him, but mainly for me. I tried and it was the best session yet. No, he did not eat (I had just pumped and gave him a bottle) but he kept at it and fell asleep after 4 minutes and he stayed right there. I was so afraid of failure that I have actually been thinking I'd just give up. Fear was rearing it's ugly head. Well, guess what Fear, I will Not! My friend Esther has taught me a few things and we won this afternoon. If she was willing to stand up to death, I can surely stand up to failure.

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