Thursday, January 20, 2011

A ramble, with a point or two

I have been avoiding writing too much of what I think about, because for one, maybe no one wants to hear it, for two, not everyone needs to hear it. However, I do feel better after posting. It's strange really. I want to be private, yet somehow knowing people "hear" me makes me feel better...

So, about my feelings these past few weeks. They are sort of morbid. It has been awhile, but it started the winter before I became pregnant with Evan. I will lay in bed at night and it hits me, "I'm going to die." It scares me. I don't know if it is a lack of faith, but I do know I do not want to be without my boys, all 4 of them. I cannot stand the thought of it. It takes my breath away, leaving me with tears that sting, but don't flow. They are tears of fear. What I do know is I need to work on it. I talk to God and tell Him "I need you." I need Him. I have a lot of work to do in my faith. I feel like a failure. I wish I had someone who could mentor me. So, I need to seek that, right?

Well, then I start to analyze more and more and I realized today that I am also very afraid of who I am and how capable I am of being a crappy person. (long story, but I watched Up Syndrome and I am afraid of having an adult with Ds. I was that night anyways. As I think more about it, I'm not afraid so much of Calvin, but of myself. I have a lot of growth ahead of me. More another time). Okay, this is again not a pity party, but a moment of reflective truth. We are all capable of being crappy people, but I am speaking directly of myself.

I am reading The Year My Son and I Were Born by Kathryn Lynard Soper. I feel quite possibly what she felt, though I don't really know. I just know I could feel that, it could have been me. I think I would have peered a bit too close to depression if I would not have had a prenatal diagnosis. Of course I do not know, but I have thought about this many times. I am grateful it worked out the way it did. For some reason, I was spared. It's hard to explain. If you have not read it I would recommend you do. Disabled child or not.

It is just that, well, I am a junky person and I have values in many wrong places.

I know what you're thinking "Oh, Ilisa, you are not!" No really, I am. Of course not in every way, but in too many. I have not given myself completely to God, not even close. I don't know how! I am trying, then I wonder, am I trying too hard? And, I realize if it weren't for Calvin, I would be even less close to giving myself to Him.

When I get tired or hurt, I criticize, I nit-pick, I blame, I judge, and so on. This is absolutely not okay and I am working to change my ways and instead take time to figure out what is going on in ME. It is amazing that I treat others as I think I should be treated, yet don't want to be. You know what I mean?

I will say, as many married women would, I have had negative moments in my marriage. I was going to make a point here, but as I wrote that, it completely escaped me. Why? I guess it is not meant to be that I continue. It is just that I realized something about myself in one of our recent moments (AKA fight). Yes, we fight. No, I didn't want you to know that, but come on!

Oh, I know. I was thinking to myself: I am exhausted trying to forgive. How many times do I have to forgive? This is getting to be too many. I think I should be done. I have a right to be done. How many times? One more? Then it hit me: God does not decide that I've asked one too many times. He forgives us over, and over, and over. Who am I to give up on one person? I won't give up. I will always love him. I will always forgive him; because of that love. And, I hope he forgives me.

Life is exhausting yet exhilarating, isn't it? I could go on, but this post would too soon be a book. Maybe another time. The journey is not close to being over. My brain never shuts up! I don't even know if this post will make sense. Sorry if it doesn't.

5 comments:

  1. How relieving it was to read this post.... After each of my kids' births I've had this huge fear of death also, and it's been with me longer this time after my Evan's birth. I get depressed because life is SO good and I can't bear the thought of it coming to an end. Nice to know I'm not the only one going through this- I feel silly for being depressed about being happy! LOL

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  2. This sounds just like me! I completely understand everything you said. My brain never stops and I worry nonstop, I don't know how to quit. I tell myself this is normal because we are going through alot...don't be too hard on yourself. I'm hoping this is all part of the healing process..lol.

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  3. Yep. Your honesty is most people's reality I think...mine certainly.

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  4. I think as moms we have all have these thoughts. You would not be a good mom if you did not worry about being there for your children their entire life. Yes, I too worry about having a grown child with Down syndrome as well but know it is all in His hands. He has a great plan for us. Trusting Him is hard at times, but when I do, I feel great relief. Life is exhausting at times but at those moments is when we realize how imperfect we are and how much our strength from God lifts up back again to where we need to be. He loves us unconditionally...that is the most comforting thought of all.

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  5. Wonderful post, I totally hear you my friend and totally understand. Every day, I have to stop myself from worrying about tomorrow, I have to forgive a million and one times a week but through it all so grateful and thankful for God's mercy on me, for his constant love and understanding. BIG HUGS! ...keep those pictures coming!

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