Thursday, December 15, 2011

Trust Your Gut (Descending Into Illness)

Today I was thinking about God's Gifts.  With Calvin I receive knowledge.  I have learned so much and I get excited thinking about what I will learn as he gets older.
Here's the thing: It can be scary, or exciting.  I choose.  You choose.  For the most part I work to choose excitement and peace over the fear.  I may be a bit ignorant.  I may not.  Either way, it is work to fight the devil.

I wouldn't ask people of all "normal" children to fear what could happen to their children.  Rebellion. Accidents.  Health changes.  The list goes on.  Interestingly, the fears can be the same, regardless of abilities.
However, as I said last time, I have learned fear is a waste.  It is similar to my fear regarding never nursing Calvin.  Add that to what I am reflecting on here: I have learned a lot.  Thank you to Calvin!

(I am getting there...)
Calvin has been struggling with another cold.  I have noticed a slight, very slight, change in his nursing before bed.  It has not been quite as vigor.  However, considering his sleep, I was not sure it was anything more than being worn out from his own lack of sleep.
Sunday and Monday nights were awful.  Hours awake at night.  Tuesday he napped at daycare from around 2 to 4:30.  I was not sure what to expect that night.  Then, he goes and sleeps from around 8 to 5.  He was pretty needy before bed as well.  Again - lack of sleep catching up?
Yesterday morning he slept again after waking at 5.  He was up at 8:30 and we trudged off to Evan's Christmas program at school.  Calvin slept on the way home, which was around noon.  Reaching home, I sat to nurse him I immediately noticed the extra heat.

101.4  My heart started racing.  Not this again.

I talked the pendulum into swinging from one end to the other and back again.  I decided to take him in.
The doctor, the one he has seen for all his check ups, but not at all before his hospitalization in October, listened to him.  She looked in his ears.  She tried examining his throat.

He sounds fine.  His ears look good.  Treat him with pain meds.

My stomach lurched.  My heart was pounding again.  You're sure?  His lungs would sound worse if it was pneumonia?  I'm just worried.  A little gun shy.

Yes.  Yes.  Understandable.

Off we went.  No pain meds but fever was better last night.  Sleep wasn't.

Sat down with Cal this afternoon.  Heat.  100.6  Then I was feeling a bit anxious and angry.  Time for a second opinion.  (Not to mention I do not hear "fine" lungs.)

Got that opinion and...pneumonia and redness in ears.

Not happy about yesterday's appointment.  I knew it was not thorough enough.  I needed her to consider EVERYTHING!  I need to be his advocate!

Lesson learned.  Trust your gut.  I knew yesterday that something was brewing.  I am praying hard that he fights any further issues and we do not ever spend another round at the hospital.  One day could make a difference.  Damn it.

I do not know what to do.  I am in limbo.  I do not want this to happen again.  I am blaming myself.  I am afraid he is aspirating his bottles.  So I am packing up the guar gum and working on another swallow study.  Remember how happy I was when he passed last year?  I do - I was walking on sunshine.

I am afraid he will end up here every time he gets a cold.   I am feeling guilty for sending him to daycare where he is away from me and exposed to more illness.  Remember last year's line up of illnesses?  Me too: None!  I need to pray and pray and think and trust my gut.  Do you think "trusting your gut" is the same as "trusting God?"  I do.  I think it is God's voice.  Photobucket


  1. :( Prayers for Calvin's health and prayers for your peace of mind. I remember being at those crossroads when my oldest was a baby. Interestingly, it was me who was the insanely sick one for the majority of a school year (I taught kindergarten). I struggled all school year, and for us, the decision was to stay home. But, there was nothing easy at all in that decision. Looking back, the answer was there for us the entire time ... I was lacking in faith. Your decision may be the same; it may be different. But, I pray no matter your decision, you find peace in making it.

  2. I will definitely be praying...

  3. Hope that Cal starts to feel better and you all get some sleep. :)

  4. Oh dear, sending prayers too. Keep Cal healthy prayers.

  5. Lots of prayers headed your way. I am all about trusting your gut. Mamas know their children better than anyone else.

  6. Prayers from here too <3 Mama definitely knows best.

  7. I'm catching up on your blog. I hope Calvin is feeling okay - it has been a few days since your wrote this post. I'll be praying for a healthy Christmas for you and your boys!