Monday, April 23, 2012

Character Exam

The following little package is attached. Not superglued. More like welded. Yep, he knows who his mom is (I was afraid he wouldn't know, now sometimes I just wish he didn't)!
Now, I know what you're thinking. He's cute and all. And "he's so happy". But, the truth is he is not always happy. In fact he is very hard to please at times. He is stubborn and knows exactly what he wants and whines like a puppy until he gets it. Is that because of Down syndrome? Maybe. It can also be because he is young and I reinforce it by giving in.
I go to pick him up and he snuggles right in and wraps his stubby arms right around my neck. I love neck hugs. You are jealous, I can tell. Well, they are nice, until he decides to grab the hair at the nape of my neck and tighten his fist (he has low muscle tone, that does not mean he is weak) and pulls. Hard. And, the look on his face? You should see that, too. Usually it is a smile joined by some squeal of delight. I tell him 'ouch' and 'no' and all that. And, it usually happens again until I face him away from me. Then, Calvin will do this arch-twist, like a dolphin in a talent show, and he's miraculously back at my neck.

He takes a lot of energy.

I have been thinking a lot since my post last week. Shocker, huh? I feet like a shmuck. I know my life will be rocked again. I will experience grief and pain that will take the memory of last week and bully it to the point it will be afraid to show it's face again. It is weak. I am tough. I have always been tough.

I have been reading Kelle Hampton's Bloom. Can I just say that yes, people who don't know her want to hate her because she is wealthy and has a lot - a lot of positive thoughts, a lot of friends, a lot of family, a lot of support, a lot of time to craft and do whatever else she does. But you know, I've seen worse, much worse. AND, I try to ask myself if I feel negative toward people because I am jealous. Interestingly the answer is often 'yes', followed by 'you fool, God is what it's all about'!

Okay, back to KH. She spoke of not feeling anything, physically, after Nella was born. That is/was me! I had pain on the hour long drive to the hospital and super hella bad contractions that first night, because of pitocen, but I was good to go after that. Not like with Nolan. I had contractions every time I nursed him during his first week of life. I too think this was God's way of keeping me in the game of NICU, Down syndrome, Complete AV Canal Defect, Aspiration, not nursing, etc. Heck, I had Cal at 11pm on Friday and ran 2 miles the following Tuesday. I swear I felt ready. I needed it. I need running. I am a mental mess without it. I thank God for the ability to run and the motivation to do it.

I am a motivated, think-outside-the-box, kind of person. I realize it is not for everyone, but it is for me. I am who I am and I vow to be true to it. I tire trying to fit some mold that ironically nobody I enjoy being around really wants me to fit in anyway! Speaking of truth. I feel like I have really learned who I am through the past 2 years of this journey. I have discovered just how much I love exploring a healthy, more enjoyable way to live. I realize the whole being of my soul is coming full circle. Granted, there is still space and I look forward to the ways the slivers of the pie will be filled.

I was listening when I heard God is more interested in our character than whether or not we are comfortable in life. And let me tell you, I am in a place of great discomfort. And that is why I cannot let my character falter.

I have a lot of pictures to share - next  post.  My goal is to share the garden updates, along with tales of 3 brothers.


  1. beautifully written
    i hope adam and i are gonna be playing in that sand box soon!

  2. I was wondering how you were doing...what a beautifully written post. I love your raw honesty. And..I cannot wait to see more pictures. :)

  3. Love the pictures of Cal eating his toes!

    There were just so many things about KH book that I could relate to, and what you mentioned was one of them. Russell wasn't a planned pregnancy, in fact my last baby was four years earlier and the delivery was so horrible and I was in so much pain for weeks afterwards that I thought if I ever got pregnant again I would die during delivery...It was a real fear of mine...But after I had Russell I felt fantastic, I couldn't believe it...It didn't even feel like I had had a baby...And I do think my body took over and recovered quickly because mentally and emotionally I was about to be put through the ringer.

    Beautiful post :)

  4. I love hearing your honest perspective. I swear Cora and Cal sound like twins sometimes with the grabbing and twisting. Does he laugh when you say "no" and "ouch"? I have to say I was numb in ways, but not physically. I couldn't walk without hyperventilating for a couple of days, but that did not stop me trying to hobble my way around the hospital. (Since she was born at home I was not a patient at the hospital.) Anyway, enough about me. Sending good thoughts to you and hoping that your discomfort alleviates soon.