Tuesday, May 15, 2012

To The Max

Today is the day I lost it.  Screamed.  Loud.  A few times.  At the kids, to shut up and leave me alone.  (I do not say shut up often) Sometimes I don't think I can take anymore.  One minute I'm dealing with it with a positive attitude.  The fevers, the crying, the demands, the "more more more".  Why can't Calvin just go to sleep?  I don't have time for everyone.  Then people are real assholes when I don't do what they expect.  Really?  'You have no clue' is what I feel like saying.  I am a good person.  Far from perfect.  I am selfish.  Sinful.  Unloving.  But I am also trying my best and turning to God.

I go go go go go.  And for what?  I am burnt out.  I want to quit sometimes.

When Nolan doesn't like the shirt, or his blanket isn't dry, or he's sick and tired and needs me the most.  When Evan want my attention.  All the time.  Because he wants to share his life with me.
When Calvin wants me to hold him and never let go.  To nurse him or be with him longer.

I blog about it because I want to remember this.  I want to remember it because some day I'll miss it all and want to go back and do it again.

(After I calmed down I sat all 3 boys down and told them it wasn't fair to treat me poorly because the blanket isn't dry or I can't jump up and make lunch right then and there.  I told them we are all sick and need to work together and with God we will be able to do it.  Things felt better after that - I sure didn't feel as guilty!)

6 comments:

  1. O, I snap like this more often then I like to admit to myself. It is an overload of crazy that sometimes I just can't handle. We are human, and we can only take so much. But that talk you had with them afterwards, that is so important. Its life lessons they are learning, and thats what makes us grow. Hang in there, we have a lot to shoulder as moms :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have been there too...complete overload and mommy has hit her limit!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I too have been there and I am sure will be again one day. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've had to apologize to my kids for snapping. There's nothing wrong with letting them know we make mistakes, and they learn how to treat others by our example. It sounds like you handled it great by talking to them about it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Mama. It happens to the best of us. I have told Ellie to shut up before and I felt horribly guilty. I smothered her with kisses afterwards. I have learned that if my nerves are fried and she is using The Scream, I hang out in the bathroom for a few minutes to collect myself. Ilisa, it sounds like you need a few days of rest with a full night of sleep. On a completely different topic, I wonder about Calvin's disrupted sleep. . . any change he has sleep apnea?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hugs, Ilisa. Hoping things are looking up soon.

    ReplyDelete