Today is the day I lost it. Screamed. Loud. A few times. At the kids, to shut up and leave me alone. (I do not say shut up often) Sometimes I don't think I can take anymore. One minute I'm dealing with it with a positive attitude. The fevers, the crying, the demands, the "more more more". Why can't Calvin just go to sleep? I don't have time for everyone. Then people are real assholes when I don't do what they expect. Really? 'You have no clue' is what I feel like saying. I am a good person. Far from perfect. I am selfish. Sinful. Unloving. But I am also trying my best and turning to God.
I go go go go go. And for what? I am burnt out. I want to quit sometimes.
When Nolan doesn't like the shirt, or his blanket isn't dry, or he's sick and tired and needs me the most. When Evan want my attention. All the time. Because he wants to share his life with me.
When Calvin wants me to hold him and never let go. To nurse him or be with him longer.
I blog about it because I want to remember this. I want to remember it because some day I'll miss it all and want to go back and do it again.
(After I calmed down I sat all 3 boys down and told them it wasn't fair to treat me poorly because the blanket isn't dry or I can't jump up and make lunch right then and there. I told them we are all sick and need to work together and with God we will be able to do it. Things felt better after that - I sure didn't feel as guilty!)