If you ask me, there's more than one Large or Small Dipper. On a night this bright it's pretty darn obvious. Sure, maybe they don't spill in to one another, but that's not exactly the point is it?
I'm not sure I've ever seen stars so bright. Truth is, usually I'm sleeping as I should be right now. But my anxiety is through the roof! I may as well lay outside under open skies.
Turns out I've totally and completely minimized my stress level. 'Duh' you may say. It's always easier to see things when you're not the one covered in the slime that coats your own life.
I hate to sound so dramatic. Like drama is all it is. That's the problem. I've minimized it all cuz it sounds like a crap load of drama. But the way my health is crashing in on me, like a shooting star, or maybe meteorite, it is hard to ignore.
After some events that have lead me to believe stress could be the only cause of my stomach issues, I looked up 'stress' in the A-Z medical guide that resides on the shelf among a dozen or so other books kept after Joe's nutrition master's. I honestly did not expect there to be a section specifically edited out for me.
I was almost laughing inside, thinking "yeah, I'll just look up 'stress'". Sure shit, there it was. One paragraph in and my fears were only solidified.
Stress of course can develop from the physical state as well as mental and emotional. Well, what if a person were to have them all? I guess disease would set it. Adrenal and nervous systems kick in or shut down. Fight or flight, really. My body has been so stressed it's doing both.
My adrenaline is the only thing that got me through last fall, winter, spring. Hell, it's been what has been surging through me since that damn ultrasound 2.5 years ago. Who goes in for an ultrasound and hears their baby's heart is severely compromised and just goes on functioning like they did pre-children? Then, top that off with "your son has Down syndrome". I felt the death of a child and a crashing halt in the life I imagined 20 years down the line.
Again, I've minimized it. Yeah, it's manageable and maybe I've made it look easy. Stressing over getting your child to eat is not easy. Having weeks of hospital stays 1 hour away is not easy. Feeling the pressure to do EVERYTHING you can for your child is not easy. Wondering if every cold will turn in to pneumonia is not easy. Getting up multiple times a night for 2 years is not easy.
I'm not sure what to do. What I do know is that my stomach was at its best last week when I was bound to a cabin with relatives and no internet or phone service or list of 'to-dos'. Literally hours after stepping foot in my home my stomach was large and in great discomfort and has been since. And, I can't sleep.
I start work on Wednesday. I know why I'm stressed. I sit and pray. I love my job but I don't love my stress level. I want to live a healthy life. Hopefully one fairly long. And I'm not an idiot. This is not getting me there.
My gallbladder screens came back normal; really is good news. I can't seem to get the 'specialist' to feel my sense of urgency. I am seeing another doctor tomorrow. Well, today I guess. She is planning on putting me through a gut repair program for the next 3-4 months. She has worked with many people in my position. She, along with that medical guide, can explain, scientifically, why my digestive system is going to hell in relation to the stress load. Maybe I can write about that another time. I'm going to either run or sleep, but at this rate I'm guessing it will be run....which stresses me out more because the sleep aspect is so important (and why we are letting Calvin cry it out 2 nights in a row now - I am up because Evan came to me asking for water). Writing is my attempt at 5am stress relief ; *sorry if it turns anyone off.
*I am reading Jodi Picoult's House Rules. It is completely awesome. It is about a boy, 18, with Asperger syndrome. If you have not read it I would highly recommend it. Jacob, the boy, mentions in there about people like him having a hard time empathizing with other people but comments about people who overly empathize or emotionally connect and how that is debilitating as well. It is. I worry a lot about what other people feel and think. That is the main reason I have a hard time quitting my job, or making many decisions for that matter. I found that interesting and related to it. Maybe it is disabling for me.