Sunday, December 30, 2012

Ah, well....

Okay, I've been in a funk.  Not wanting to write here.  Not wanting to take photos.  Not wanting to eat healthy.  Nothing.  Not sure what I want.  I think it is this holiday week.  It completely messed me up.  Starting right now (not tomorrow or the next day, right NOW) I'm back on my meal plan.  2 servings of fruit, 1 grain (if that), lots of level 1 veggies, 5 servings of protein, some oils and nuts or beans.  I've been feeling better and better and I've slipped and I feel yucky.  It is NOT worth it!  I feel hungover and sickly.  Meaning, it's working to eat well!  The way I learned to eat in August is healthy and I need that.  I'm slowly getting there, I'm not going to mess this up!  So, tomorrow I'm going to pack up the junk food and send it with Joe to work.  The boys will want some stuff so I'll keep some gummies on hand.  That's it.  I don't care for them (gummies, not the boys!) anyway.

I've lost motivation to cook and bake.  That's part of my problem...I'm not sure if it's all the work to clean it up or what.  I'm burnt out.  Not in the way I was last year.  That was serious adrenal burn-out.  This is just lazy unhealthy burn-out.  Off my game.  Yuck.  I hate that!  I'm going to do my apple juice fast/cleanse.  I'm not sure it's the best cuz of all the sugar though.  But I do feel better afterwards.  Maybe I'll search for another kind of cleanse just to get me on the straight and narrow.  Feel free to share ideas if you know of one!

I say this with all seriousness, eating like that sounds hard but getting there is the biggest challenge.  Once deciding and being healthy occurs there is a great sense of accomplishment knowing that we can feel in control of how we treat our bodies.

I've had extra kids and extra things going on.  To be truthful, part of my funk lies in other things.  My beliefs and thoughts have undergone some challenges and I am pretty self-reflective.  During my reflection I've been wondering what is the truth.  What makes us who we are?  What if we're wrong?  What if my perception of reality is so very wrong?  What if I am truly missing something?

I have to be careful what I write.  I cannot just spew it all.  I want to, but the process of figuring things out needs to happen privately.  Then what?  I'm not sure.  I've been hurt pretty deeply lately.  It is very hurtful and makes me question myself.  I think I am a caring person.  Sure, I am a far cry from perfection, but so are the rest of us.  I find it very frustrating to think that people I thought I was close to do not know me.  Do not understand what my life consists of.  Nor, do they reach out and try to support me instead of just critique and judge.

Then, my funk continues.  I think about becoming a mother.  To 3 boys!  One boy with a disability!  I have been molded to fit my family.  We affect one another!  Why should I ever feel the need to justify and defend that?  I shouldn't.  I guess I notice as my beliefs and values have changed, so have my relationships.  Some people have become closer to me that I ever imagined.  Others, so far away I would just like to move on.

I am not trying to be dramatic, just matter of fact.  I do not need the stress.  I find that as my diet has changed, and my beliefs in being healthy, I have less patience for relationships that are so different.  What can we discuss and grow from?  I want to grow.  I am constantly climbing and searching for more knowledge and understanding.  I do not easily accept being asked to stay inside the box.  I do not believe the box is best.  I believe it is narrow and limiting and manipulative.  Does this make sense?  Take shoes for example.

Yes, shoes.  (Shoes is not exactly the level I speak of, but safe topic to use as an example) I do not believe the way shoes have been developed is the best for our feet, our legs, our backs, our spines.  I think God and natural science has made our bodies to not need arch support or things like that.  I am not this way to be rebellious.  Yes, I know things happen and people's bodies need help....I'm not narrow minded here...  Again, I think band-aid approaches do not solve problems.  I have started running in natural shoes.  Ones I never tie or untie.  Ones with flat bottoms and what appear to have very little support.  Guess what?  My body feels better than ever after running in them.  My calves are stronger.  My back does not ache.  My knees are good.  No shin issues.  Granted, I am not running more than 25 miles a week in them since last spring, but in the past I would likely have had an issue.  I am open-minded and willing to try new things is my point maybe.

I find it very hard to have relationships with people who are apposed to being open-minded and willing to try other things to stay healthy.  I realize it is my issue to a degree.  I try to meet people where they are at.  And maybe the topic itself is not the cause for concern, but the lack of connecting and having something to talk about.

We all want to be right and feel like we know what is best for ourselves.  It is just getting me in a funk.  Too much second guessing and feeling like I am not good enough in some people's eyes.  I suppose we all get like this.  I think of this as the devil.  I rebut these messages and will try to find peace and happiness no matter the circumstances.  After all, we are all special and unique and extremely valuable.  I pray I can feel peace and continue to have healthy relationships with those in my life :)  I will start with myself.  I will make choices that I know help me feel better about myself.  No more guilt ridden decisions.  I want to know I am doing the best I can for me, Joe, and my boys.  That is all I can do.  Right?

5 comments:

  1. I loved the absolute honesty in this. I am feeling very much the same way right now with a lot of the things you mentioned.

    Wishing you all the best in the New Year!

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  2. You should totally do what is best for you and your boys! In terms of sharing on the blog, I think is completely okay not to share everything. But whatever you do, don't give up the blog altogether - we would miss you and Cal too much:)

    Happy New Year!

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  3. Yes yes yes! I have been trying in vain to comment for the longest time (I blame my iPad. . . I do not think it likes the comments section). Thank you for everything you share. You are so open and honest. I have been following your epic GI journey and I can only imagine. Thank you for sharing your entire experience but I am certain there are many others out there suffering from similar issues. The boys is getting so old. When did that happen?! Anyway, I don't want you to think I have been stalking, uh, following, your blog anymore. Just haven't been able to comment :-)

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  4. Ooh, check that out. . . my comment above published.

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  5. I absolutely think that choosing healthy friendships is SO important for our journey. If you haven't already, read Boundaries by Cloude and Townsend. My relationships have changed a lot over the last 2 years and some of it is natural eating and some is that my value system has been rocked and some of it the fact that I just don't have time. Love reading your blog and love your honesty!

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